Part One
So beautiful, Kaoru thought, gazing up at the tranquil expanse of the night sky, so peaceful. Her sorrowful gaze returned to her feet, their bare toes peeping over the porch's edge. So unlike me. She rested her head on her updrawn knees, snuggling her cheek into the soft, well-worn material draped over them as she sought solace from her disquiet.
Kenshin had been married. She'd been surprised when he'd told them, and had ached with sympathy at the pain in his voice. She'd wanted nothing more than to hold him, to comfort him. It was only now, a little over a week later, that the knowledge had begun to hurt.
She'd tried to shake it off, reminding herself that he cared for her, that she and the dojo had become home to him. He'd said so, that very day. For a short while the memory of his words, of his arm wrapped gently about her shoulders, had eased the pain. Until a little voice whispered, That's not the same. It doesn't mean that he loves you, and therein lay her fear: That he couldn't. Not someone like her, not after Tomoe . . . not the way she needed, and not the way she loved him. The niggling doubt had lingered, festering, until it had become all-consuming.
From Kenshin's account, Kaoru knew that Tomoe had been quiet and sedate. Refined. She didn't screech at people at the top of her lungs, or hit them, or throw things at them just because she was annoyed. While another's thoughts might have been tinged with jealousy or resentment, Kaoru's brooding was filled with self-reproach. Her hair and clothing were probably always immaculate, and I doubt she ever smelled like sweat. She could cook.
As it had so often in the past few days, Megumi's voice echoed in her memory: ". . . you're no replacement for Tomoe-san . . ." Kaoru's arms tightened around her legs, and a small, miserable sob escaped at the remembered words, spoken with such casual cruelty. Her hands, rough with callouses earned while practicing budo, caught briefly at the fabric of her clothing and drove home the truth of Megumi's observation. The garment itself -- one of Kenshin's cast-off gi, left behind when he departed to fight Shishio Makoto -- was yet another reminder of her shortcomings. He wouldn't have left if I . . . if he . . . She felt her lower lip begin to tremble, and squeezed her eyes shut against the telltale prick of tears.
Stop it! she told herself, You're being ridiculous! Enishi plans to attack us tomorrow, and you're sitting here wallowing in self-pity! Vehement as it was, the admonishment had no effect on the tears that threatened to overflow, or the emotions that were so badly bruised by her own comparisons. A hot-tempered tomboy can't hope to measure up to Tomoe's memory. Why would he want a tanuki-girl, after he's had a swan? Her breath shuddering in her throat, Kaoru opened her eyes to gaze at the starlit canopy above, the silver points of light blurring as her tears welled and slid slowly down her cheeks.
Kenshin made a thorough circuit of the dojo and surrounding grounds, fighting a growing feeling of unease. The ten days Enishi had given them to prepare would be over in the morning. There was no reason to believe an attack would come sooner . . . but still he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
After checking the last gate, he headed back to the dojo and his waiting futon. Rounding the corner on silent feet, he was surprised to find Kaoru sitting on the porch outside her room, her slim form limned by moonlight. She sat with her bare legs drawn up under her chin, her arms wrapped around them and her toes peeping out from beneath the trailing edge of her voluminous sleeves. He smiled, struck again by the warmth of her beauty, his uneasiness calmed by the enchanting picture she made. He approached carefully, not wanting to startle her, and realized only belatedly that her eyes were shimmering with tears. In the next moment, she buried her face in her knees, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.
Her crying ripped through him, the depths of her unhappiness shaking him to the core. Hesitantly, he knelt beside her, wanting to console her but unsure how. His first instinct was to hold her, but another voice warned against getting too close. "Kao-" he began, reaching out to take her shoulders gently in his hands. She jumped at the suddenness of his voice and touch, wrenching away from him.
"K-K-Kenshin!" she exclaimed, frantically wiping at the tears that continued to flow down her cheeks, "Wh-Wh-When d-d-did y-y-you . . ." his heart spasmed painfully as she gave up, her voice too garbled by sobs to speak.
"What's wrong?" he asked soothingly, reaching out to stroke a few strands of hair away from her hot face. She merely shook her head miserably, hugging herself. "Kaoru-dono . . ." violet eyes widened in shocked dismay as the sound of her own name seemed to upset her further.
Kaoru-dono! she wailed to herself, even now it's Kaoru-dono!
Increasingly uncertain, Kenshin reached out to her . . . but couldn't decide what to do. He settled for resting his hands lightly on her raised knees, leaning into her as he spoke. "Please . . . tell me what's wrong." He tried to think what might have upset her. "Did you have a fight with Yahiko? Did Sano complain about your cooking?" At each question she shook her head violently, her tears seeming to flow faster. "Are you worried about tomorrow?"
Kenshin no baka! Kaoru thought, needing to be held, comforted - not questioned. S he crumpled a little more at his apparent unwillingness to do anything but, and swatted at his hands, wanting him to take his questions and leave her alone.
Kenshin was beginning to feel a little desperate. Something had hurt her terribly, and everything he did seemed to make it worse. Unable to bear it as she pulled away from him, her hands fisting in the material of her robe, he finally gave in to his initial impulse. Settling beside her, he scooped her up in his arms and deposited her in his lap. Cuddling her comfortingly against him, he began rocking her back and forth, whispering to her as he did so. "Please don't cry, please," he implored, his voice husky as his lips skimmed her ear, "It's all right now. It's all right. Shhhh."
At first his rocking and whispering seemed to have no effect, but gradually he began to make out words interspersed between her sobs. "Why?" she asked piteously, over and over, "Why can't I be . . . ?" The question always trailed off, leaving him to wonder. "It's not fair!" was another, oft repeated phrase, and once he thought he heard the bewildering exclamation, "I hate swans!" Through it all he held her, crooning to her soothingly as he waited for the storm to pass.
Eventually her crying subsided, her shuddering breaths fading to the occasional sorrowful hiccup. Still he waited, until he felt her shift against him, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "Kaoru-dono?" he asked, his voice low, muted.
She sniffled. "Hai?" Her voice was a match for his. Don't ask me, she pleaded silently. Don't ask me what's wrong. Just hold me a little longer. Just a little longer. It felt so warm, so sheltered, so . . . right. She closed her eyes tight against the tears that threatened anew, knowing he would pull away soon.
Kenshin hesitated, needing to know what had upset her so, but lacking an opening to question her. He watched her fingers play nervously with the ends of her sleeves, the folds of his shirt, and saw her face crumple again at some passing thought. When she bent her head to hide the fresh tears, it was all the incentive he needed. "Please, Kaoru-dono . . . tell me what's wrong. Let me help."
She gave a short, watery laugh. "You can't," she told him in the faintest of whispers, "You can't change who I am."
He blinked, frowning in puzzlement. "Kaoru-dono?"
She sighed, raising her tear-streaked face to look at him. The confusion and concern in his expression prompted her to smile comfortingly. "It's all right, Kenshin," she told him, doing her best to sound as if it were true.
Normally he would have left it at that, recognizing her pretense for what it was, but respecting her wish to let the matter drop. This time . . . something warned him it would be a mistake. You can't change who I am, her words ran through his mind, Why? Why can't I be . . . ? Kaoru gasped as his embrace tightened, staying her as she moved to rise. "Wait," he told her, his voice firm although still no more than a whisper, "Please . . . tell me what's wrong. What did you mean? Why would you want to change?" She shook her head, not trusting her voice. "Kaoru-dono," careful fingers came to clasp her chin, turning her to face him, "tell me."
"Kenshin . . ." she whispered, her blue eyes brimming with unshed tears. A single droplet escaped to run down her cheek, and she drew in a steadying breath as his hand came to wipe the moisture away. Closing her eyes, she gave in to his request. "If I could change, maybe I could become someone you . . . someone you wanted. Someone you could love." She felt him freeze at her words, and a few more tears slipped from beneath her lashes to trace a path down her face.
Kenshin stared at her in shock. She was the most important person in the world to him . . . how could she not know? I've never told her, came the answer, swift and fierce. His mind tossed up the memory of their afternoon conversation. Even when given the chance, I've never told her. That she might mistake his silence for rejection had never occurred to him. He shook himself out of his stupor, realizing belatedly that silence now would likewise be misinterpreted. "What . . ." he swallowed and tried again, "What makes you think you need to change?"
At his words, her eyes flew open to meet his. "I can't cook!" she blurted after a moment. "I'm not quiet and demure. I'm always yelling - at you, at Yahiko, at Sanosuke . . . I throw things. I hit people." Her voice was woeful as she concluded, "Megumi-san was right."
Kaoru's listing of her faults merely added to Kenshin's dismay. Her vibrance and enthusiasm were the very traits that had drawn him to her. It wasn't until Megumi's name was mentioned that he began to suspect whence Kaoru's unfavorable self-assessment stemmed. "Megumi-dono?" he asked. Kaoru nodded against him. "What was she right about?"
"That . . ." she hesitated, then finished in a rush, "That I'm no replacement for Tomoe-san."
Tomoe. Understanding came at last, and with it regret that he hadn't seen how Kaoru would react. Anger at Megumi swiftly followed. The young doctor's fondness for barbed words and playing on Kaoru's insecurities had gone too far this time. He sighed, trying to find a way to repair the damage caused by his neglect and Megumi's careless words. "Megumi-dono was right," he began, his heart aching with her as she gave a single, pained whimper at his words. "Shhh. Listen to me," he entreated, cradling her consolingly, "One person can't replace another . . . it would belittle both." His lips brushed her forehead, less than a kiss but more than a caress. "I loved Tomoe. Through her I learned what happiness really was, what it meant to truly live. She gave me someone and something to care about. Something to protect. I needed that direction. Tomoe was the calm in the center of a storm . . . her calm was her strength, and it let me center myself again. It freed me from the madness of the hitokiri." He paused, wiping Kaoru's tears away with tender fingers. "I loved Tomoe for all of those reasons, and I won't ever feel the same way for anyone else. But I can feel more."
Kaoru stilled as the implied meaning of his words sank in. "Demo . . ."
"I'm a different person now. I need someone to laugh with, to play with . . . to cry with. Someone to comfort, and receive comfort from. Someone to share the peaceful times, the sad times, as well as the bright moments. A partner. I don't need or want a replacement for Tomoe." He rocked his head back and forth against hers for emphasis. "I want you."
Tears still streaming unchecked down her face Kaoru drew in a deep breath. Even so, her voice was a pained, half-choked squeak when she spoke. "Honto?"
Kenshin smiled before gathering her closer against him. "Aishiteru," he whispered, "zettai ni de gozaru." She sobbed once in response before burying her face in his chest, crying this time with relief. He bent his head to rest his cheek on her hair, feeling his own tenseness draining away with her tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I thought . . ." I thought I wasn't good enough for you. Too stained . . . too guilty. A moment later a muffled voice from the vicinity of his chest echoed his thoughts, adding a vehement "Kenshin no baka!" Mutely he agreed, his smile turning rueful.
They sat for awhile, enjoying the closeness, the togetherness. As her tears abated, Kaoru leaned into him, shifting so that her head was cradled in the hollow of his shoulder. She reached up to push her hair out of her face, but found that her hands had been swallowed by her shirt. Settling for blowing her bangs out of her eyes, she shook the sleeves out, trying to find her fingers. Kenshin watched her, only just realizing that the short robe she wore was actually a man's gi . . . and in a very familiar shade of red. "Mine?" he asked her, running a finger along the collar.
Kaoru hesitated momentarily, uncertain whether he meant her or the gi. The gi, she decided, glancing up to find his eyes curious upon her. "Yes," she answered, her voice soft, "I found it after you . . . after you . . ." After you left for Kyoto. It still hurts, she thought, even now, it still hurts.
After I went to Kyoto, Kenshin finished silently. Without his willing it his arms tightened, trying to soothe the pain his leaving had dealt her, aching for the hurt still in her voice. He wanted to take that pain away . . . to make her smile. He brought his forehead to rest against hers, drawing her slightly startled attention. "I like it," he whispered, finding it to be true. The thought of her wearing something of his seemed strangely . . . right. "In fact . . . I think it looks better on you," he added, as he let his eyes stray somewhat pointedly to her bare legs.
Kaoru blinked at him, a smile slowly blossoming. "I beg to differ," she said, ignoring the tiny voice which hinted that she should be embarrassed. One slim hand came to trace his neckline, drifting lightly along his skin. Hmmmm . . . she thought, as his muscles fluttered nervously beneath her touch. Her smile took a mischievous turn. "I especially like when it falls open . . . right about . . . here." The subtle emphasis was all the warning she gave, her fingers sliding inside his shirt to dance teasingly, experimentally, across his ribs.
His laughter rang out, joyful and carefree, pleasing Kaoru immensely. "You're ticklish!" she exclaimed with great delight. Her eyes sparkled as she looked up at him, and if it weren't for the devilment he saw in them, he would have been relieved that her sorrow seemed to have passed. Her left hand boldly joined her right inside his gi, trailing up and down his sides, eliciting more laughter. His eyes glowed with it, his shoulders shook with it . . . and Kaoru was fascinated. As friendly as he appeared when playing the rurouni, she knew it was usually a facade hiding painful depths. This . . . this was genuine happiness, and he was all the more appealing for it. Still laughing he reached for her wrists, trying to stop her roving hands as she leaned into him. The combined motion served to unbalance him, sending them tumbling backwards.
"Oro?!" Instinctively he clasped her to him as they fell, so that she landed sprawled on top of him, giggling. As his hold loosened she raised her head, folding her arms across his chest and resting her chin on them. From her new vantage point she watched his face, her eyes bright . . . curious . . . expectant.
"Who would have thought it?" she asked, her tone both smug and considering, "Kenshin, defeated by a little tickli-eep! Kenshin!" Impressed with her discovery, she'd neglected to watch for his retaliation. Within moments she was breathless, his fingers flying around her too rapidly for her to catch, his feather-light touch somehow finding all of her most ticklish spots. "Stop, stop, stop!" she cried as he rolled over, reversing their positions.
"Fair's fair," he teased, pausing to let her catch her breath.
"It's not fair!" she pouted in return, gasping for air, "you're too fast!" As if to prove her point, he easily caught her hands as they darted out, seeking to catch him off guard. "Mou!" He simply smiled, leaning down until he was almost nose-to-nose with her, her hands resting in his on either side of her head.
"Do you give up?" he asked. Her answer was to blow her bangs out of her face and stick her tongue out at him. He chuckled, his eyes following the playful movement to her mouth, her slightly parted lips . . . and between one laughing breath and the next, everything changed. Eyes darkening with some unknown emotion, his violet gaze drifted lovingly over her, from her lips to her throat to her chest, lingering sweetly over curves partially revealed by her half-open gi. Suddenly aware -- of his leg resting between hers, of his nearness as he knelt over her, of her own state of undress -- Kaoru's breath caught, her eyes widened. Within their blue depths, Kenshin found both confusion and an answering heat; hesitation and anticipation, worry and trust. "Kaoru-dono . . ."
Kaoru's heart sank at the distance he put between them, simply by speaking her name. "Don't . . ." her voice was hushed, a little breathless, but determined, "I hate when you call me that."
Recognizing her dismay, Kenshin realized she thought he meant to withdraw, to call an end to their closeness. Not yet, he promised her silently. Not when her emotions were still so bruised and uncertain, not when this sharing was still so new. He closed the space between them, brushing her nose with his. "Doushite de gozaru ka?"
She blinked. "Because . . . because . . ." she faltered, distracted by his teasing caress. Closing her eyes she sought to focus her thoughts. "It . . . it sounds so cold," she finally managed, as his lips skimmed her brow, "so detached."
"Sumanu," he apologized, pressing nearly weightless kisses on her closed lids, "What would you like me to call you?" His voice was a mere breath of sound, its teasing tone almost hidden in its softness. Her name had long since become an endearment, something to say while the words in his heart remained unspoken.
"Kaoru," she whispered, distantly registering the glide of his fingers threading through hers, "or Kaoru-chan." She drew in a deep breath, his scent flooding her senses and scattering her thoughts. "Or almost anything you like except Kaoru-do--" her words ended on a contented sigh, a sweet breath passing from her mouth to his as his wandering lips finally found hers.
She was so dear, so earnest. Each fleeting caress had drawn him nearer, until he was merely teasing them both by withholding what she waited for, what he most wanted to give. Surrendering, he brushed her mouth lightly with his -- once, twice -- deepening the contact only when she tilted her head, seeking more. Softly, patiently, his tongue coaxed her lips to part, allowing him entry to taste and to explore. Just as carefully he taught hers to answer, the two tangling sweetly.
Kaoru's hands tightened on Kenshin's as the strange sensations flowed through her, trembling in her stomach, making her limbs grow heavy. He murmured a wordless reassurance, the sound rumbling low in his throat, somehow soothing and exciting all at once. In response her fingers gradually relaxed, until his hold was the stronger. She tugged gently then, suddenly wanting to be closer - to twine her arms around his neck, to feel the silk of his hair between her fingers. She felt his lips curve in a smile against hers, but he didn't release her . . . and somehow that made the need greater. Uttering a small sound of longing she tugged again, an unfamiliar ache building within her.
"Shhh . . ." With another tender, darting caress of his tongue, he lifted his head. Freeing one hand, he buried his fingers in her hair, his thumb lightly stroking her cheek. Their joined hands he brought to his lips, letting his fingers slide from hers to close loosely around her wrist. Hers curled reflexively as he placed a kiss in the center of her palm, his tongue flickering warm and moist over her sensitive skin.
"Kenshin . . ." she sighed, lifting drowsy lids to gaze softly up at him, her fingers delicately tracing the shape of his mouth. "More," she whispered - half request, half demand - as her arms found their way around his neck. In response his fingers tangled deeper in her hair, shifting to cradle her head. This time his kiss was different: a little more heated, slightly more demanding. Her embrace merely tightened, attempting to pull him closer. He allowed it, bracing his weight on his free hand as he settled gently against her. Following the curve of her jaw, he trailed a series of small, nibbling kisses from her lips to her ear, catching her lobe in his teeth and biting gently. She shivered and twisted against him in reaction, her softness pressing against the strength of his thigh. His warmth streaked through her in that fleeting contact, and she moaned softly.
The small, needy sound woke Kenshin from his pleasurable daze, alerting him that things were going too far. Clinging to him, her body arching against his in innocent demand, she offered him everything: his heart's desire, all he could want, his to take. Yet . . . he still needed the answers tomorrow would bring before he could accept. She was willing -- had always been willing -- to accept him as he was, never judging. Her clear gaze peered deep into his soul, and somehow reflected back only the light, despite everything he'd done. Nevertheless . . . he couldn't come to her, couldn't take what she offered, and give his overburdened heart in return. He needed to find atonement, a way free from his past, before he could go forward. Reluctantly he drew away, whispering her name.
Adrift in new sensations, Kaoru surfaced slowly, raising heavy lashes to meet his rueful violet gaze. Something is wrong. Her contentment vanished immediately at the look in those eyes, and her bottom lip began trembling even before he spoke, anticipating his rejection.
"Don't," he murmured , snuggling his head comfortingly into the crook of her shoulder, his breath warm on her neck. "Koishii . . ." his tone was loving, mildly chiding, "it's too soon yet. Sessha . . ." he hesitated, uncertain how to explain, worried his words would hurt her. "I don't want the past to color the present. Never again. I have so much for which to atone . . ." his words faltered, and he drew in a slow, calming breath. Too guilty, too stained, he thought again.
"Baka!" although her voice was barely audible, her tone was fierce. Surprised, he raised his head. "I don't care about your past. I don't care what you've done." She cupped his face in trembling hands, her fingers gently tracing the cross-scar. "My only concern is how it hurts you." Slowly she shook her head. "I don't want it to hurt you anymore . . . tomorrow . . ." her voice broke, and she closed her eyes, biting her lip as she fought the tears. "I want you to find your answer, Kenshin, but you don't need it to be worthy of me. I've never wanted anything but you. All of you -- the light and the dark, the rurouni and all his shadows."
She waited, eyes closed, for his reaction. It came in the feather-light kisses he used to dry her tears, in the choked way he said her name. "Aishiteru," he told her, holding her close,"aishiteru."
More than willing to be coddled, Kaoru turned her face into his neck; let his scent wrap around her, another balm to her emotions. "Kenshin . . . don't tell me," she entreated, the strange, pleasant ache returning as he embraced her, his body caressing hers, ". . . show me." Sensing his continued hesitation, she slid her mouth up his throat to catch his earlobe between her teeth, copying what he'd done to her.
"Kaoru . . ." Kenshin shuddered as heat washed through him, his voice catching on an indrawn breath.
"Show me," she urged again.
His mind flashed white as she arched against him, her coaxing voice further weakening his resistance. "Aa . . ." he finally breathed, unable to refuse either her or himself any longer. Laughter rippled through him at her unexpected response, and tilting his head, he caught her mouth in a slow, lingering kiss. When it ended, he shifted so that she was once again cradled in his lap, then rose to his feet in a single, fluid movement, bringing her with him. "'Yatta'?" he asked, arching one eyebrow as he looked down at her.
"Mmmm," she answered, snuggling against him and peeking up at him through her lashes.
Chuckling at her noncommittal response, he carried her down the hall to his room, pausing at the entrance to ask her one last time. "Kaoru?"
Impossibly, she cuddled closer. "I'm sure."
Trembling slightly at the trust in those simple words, he entered, sliding the door closed behind them.
Index of Japanese terms:
- aa - yes
- aishiteru - I love you
- baka - idiot, stupid
- doushite de gozaru ka? - "why?" Kenshin style
- koishii - beloved, darling, wanted
- mou - general exclamation of exasperation
- sessha - I, Kenshin style - lit. "this unworthy one"
- sumanu - I'm sorry
- yatta - general exclamation of delight or satisfaction
- zettai ni de gozaru - absolutely, unconditionally, positively
Komagata Yumi
yumi@sekihara.dreamhost.com
January 9, 1999