 by Risu-chan and J.C. Posted with permission.
[Lights up backstage. Miss Piggy is straightening a ribbon in her hair. Kermit comes down the backstage steps... wearing a red wig.]Kermit: Piggy, do I have to wear this? Piggy: Hush, Kermie. The show must go on. Kermit: Yes, but I can't see. Piggy: That's "I can't see de gozaru." Kermit: Right. Sorry. Well, I can't see -- de gozaru -- anyway... Piggy: No, no, it comes at the end of the whole sentence! Kermit: Thank you, Piggy, but the problem here is that I still can't-- [bump bump bump WHAM ...thud]Kermit (from a heap at the bottom of the stairs): ...see. De gozaru. Piggy (thoughtfully): I think that's a 'de gozaru yo.' (Turning around:) GAAAAH! Kermit (thinking she's worried about him in a heap on the floor): I'm fine... I think... Piggy: No, no, no, no, NO! They do NOT put MAGENTA on a FROG. It does appalling things to your complexion, Kermie... Kermit (starting to get the hang of it): Ororoooo...
OPENING CREDITS
It's time to play the music,
[Backstage, Janice is buttoning a purple overall over her clothes; Bunsen is tying ponytails into Beeker's hair...]It's time to put on makeup. It's time to dress up right. It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight. [Rowlf is putting on a frilly apron; Fozzie (in gi and hakama with a shinai tied over his shoulder) is holding another and looking up at the Snuffleupagus and having problems imagining how to make this fit...]Waldorf: Why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know. Waldorf: It's like a kind of torture... Both: To have to watch the show. [Waldorf is winding bandages around his head and left eye a la Okina; Skeeter, in Oniwa Banshuu gear, is sharpening a handful of throwing knives.](Orchestral bit -- Animal's drum solo) [Animal is wearing Oniwa Banshuu gear with a mask perched on the top of his head. He looks thrilled to be alive. But then, he always does.]Muppets: And now let's get things started... [The Snuffleupagus goes running across the stage, with Fozzie chasing it, waving the apron -- faint voice-over: "All you have to do is hide behind the tray!"]Audience: Why don't you get things started... [Rizzo the rat is standing on Big Bird's hand, trying desperately to make the jawpiece on Fuji's armor fit.]Kermit (looking bedraggled under the wig): It's time to get things started... Muppets: on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational-- this is what we call the Muppet Show!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Rurouni Kermit is traveling to Kyoto when he runs into an old adversary. This strange blue figure keeps wandering near and far, asking if anyone understands. Who is this strange blue person? Next time on Rurouni Kermit: "Wandering Near and Far. Battle with Super Grover".Please look forward to it. [skit credit: J.C.]
BACKSTAGE
[From offstage, there is an ominous sound of ...chickens.]Kermit (still struggling with the wig, folding his nose under to blow straight up his face to gust the bangs out of his eyes for a few seconds at a time): Piggy... Piggy: What NOW? Kermit (tremulous voice): Piggy, turn around. [At first, all that's visible is the zanbatou. It bobs along the upstairs balcony, toward the steps. Then the sword-carrier turns down the steps.]Gonzo: (mutter grumble grouse) WHY couldn't the props guys have LISTENED when I told them they were reading the scale wrong? I TOLD them they were using metric instead of imperial, I TOLD them it was supposed to be three feet not three METERS, but would they LISTEN? NoooOOOOooo. What does Gonzo know anyway... Piggy (nonplussed): It figures. Gonzo: What the heck is that supposed to mean? Piggy: It just figures. That's all. Gonzo: Kermit, what does she mean by that? Kermit (glazed expression of horror): Oh, no you don't. I'm not getting into the middle of this one. (Voiceover from a stagehand:) Five minutes to places, everyone! Kermit (hastily): That's my cue! (practically making speed lines as he sprints for the stage) [Gonzo and Piggy look at each other for a minute.]Piggy: You don't think they might have cast this one a little too well, do you? Gonzo (outraged): What the heck is that supposed to mean??! Piggy (eyes half closed): Never mind. Go play with your chickens... rooster boy.
ONSTAGE
[Exterior, Kamiya Dojo. Kamiya Piggy, Rurouni Kermit, and Zanza/Gonzo are onstage.]Gonzo: I can't stand Ishin scum like you anyway. Prepare yourself, Himura Froggousai! (he raises the zanbatou with a bit of an effort.) Kamiya Piggy: Kermie-chan! Rurouni Kermit: Piggy-dono, I still can't see de gozaru-- Piggy: DUCK! [He does, the zanbatou goes sailing past over the top of his head, and the momentum drags Gonzo around with it.]Gonzo (more a scream of desperation than a battle cry): AIEEEEE-- Piggy (to Gonzo in outrage): How DARE you take advantage of my poor little rurouni like that? Hi-YAAAAAA-- [As Piggy's bokken blasts Gonzo into lower Earth orbit, or at least the first electrics...]Kermit: Ano... Piggy-dono... I don't think you should do that to people de gozaru. It's not very nice. Piggy (turning around, bokken in hand, scary eyes): You wanna be next, froglet? Kermit: Uh... no thank you de gozaru? Piggy: Iie. Kermit: No, really, that's all right... Piggy: No, they say 'iie' when they mean no. --Never mind. I love you anyway, Kermie-chan. Will you marry me? Kermit (sweatdrop): Um... Piggy-dono... I don't think that's part of the series... Piggy: Yet. Now if Watsuki would just get his act together-- Kermit (terrified smile toward the camera): No pressure or anything, Watsuki-san-- [from lower Earth orbit or the first electrics, the end of a scream is slowly fading in...]Gonzo: --iiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAGHHH--!! [WHOMPH!]Gonzo: (hack hack cough wheeze) ...did I get him? Did I get him? Piggy (aghast): Kermie-chan? Where are you? Kermit (miserably): How am I supposed to know, Piggy-dono? I STILL CAN'T SEE!
SANO'S MOMENT IN THE SPOTLIGHT SKIT...
"I'm Going to Go Back There Someday" [Sagara Gonzo walks on without the broken zanbatou, some chickens wistfully trailing after him. He sits on the edge of the Kamiya Dojo porch and looks out at Rurouni Kermit happily washing laundry with Beeker-chan, Dr. Gensai Bunsen and Takani Janice standing in the sun smiling at them] Gonzo: This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,[The daytime-lighting fades; the scene shifts behind him, and the silhouette of a tall slender figure with a bright headband is projected against the scrim next to Gonzo's own shadow; Gonzo smiles up at the backdrop.] Gonzo: Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls. [The artist Muppet with a mouthful of paintbrushes wanders in wearing another headband; he says hello to one of the chickens and sits down beside Gonzo, also smiling at the silhouettes on the scrim.] Gonzo: Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,[Rurouni Kermit notices what they're doing; he pats Beeker on the head and walks over to sit next to Gonzo. Gonzo smiles at him.] Gonzo: There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
SURREALITY CHECK
[Gonzo, Kermit, the artist, Dr. Bunsen, and Janice wander offstage. Beeker finds himself alone stage center. The lights dim except for a single overhead spot. Beeker clears his throat nervously.] "Feelings" Mee-mee, mee-mee mee mee meee-mee,
MEEEEEEEE-MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
* sung by Animal
SAITOU'S SOLO
[Oscar the Grouch comes on, wearing a blue suit and clutching a cigarette. Gonzo and Kermit are standing upstage, and both of them do a double-take at his entrance. Oscar takes a drag from the cigarette, then hacks a bit, then starts singing.] Oscar: If you wake up in the morning mean and grumpy Gonzo (to Kermit, loud stage whisper): He can say that again. Kermit (to Gonzo): Shh. Gonzo (to Kermit, just as loud a stage whisper): I wonder how you make lumpy soba. Kermit (wincing): Shhh. He might hear you. [Oscar stands on the edge of the porch, posing with the cigarette; it looks uncannily familiar from a certain set of closing credits...]Oscar: If you love it when it's wet and cold and rainingGonzo (not bothering to whisper this time): Wow. That's what I call method acting. Oscar (narrow-eyed): Shut up, rooster boy. [Gonzo opens his mouth; Kermit hastily clamps a hand over it.]Kermit (to Oscar): Never mind us, go on, go on... Oscar: If you hate it when your grandma kisses youKermit (half to himself): Poor Tokio-dono... Oscar: If you can't stand a cuddly little kittyGonzo (to Oscar): Did I say method acting? Never mind. This is just typecasting. Oscar (flicking the cigarette toward the orchestra): You know, rooster boy, I like this part. It comes with props. See? (drawing his sword) [Kermit winces and tries to figure out how to get his prop sakabatou out of the sheath.]Oscar (to Gonzo, with a big grin): Aku. [Gonzo takes a step backwards.]Oscar (still to Gonzo): Soku. [Gonzo starts running for stage left.]Kermit (still fighting with his prop): Oh no oh no oh no... [From off left, there's a sudden scream, then a crash, then a loud thud.]Oscar (walking back on): Zan. [He sheathes his sword again, grins evilly at Kermit, and walks off stage right.]Kermit (running over to the left wing): Gonzo? Gonzo, are you all right? Gonzo-- [Gonzo hobbles back onstage, hampered by the fact that the top half of him is still buried in Oscar's trashcan.]Gonzo (to Kermit, panting and disgusted): Get me out of here. NOW. [Kermit heaves a huge sigh -- relief, exasperation, or both -- and hops onto the top of the trashcan and starts pulling. Gonzo is also pushing from underneath.]
[Lights up in a dim room filled with bales of rice. A figure all in white is sitting cross-legged on the floor. Most of the figure is covered in bandages...]
THE ORIGINAL SKIT (a.k.a. where all this started)
Soujiro Ernie: Are you a villain? Shishio Chef: Really Evil mur smir der Meiji Government. Soujiro Ernie: So you're really a good guy? Shishio Chef: Burf nir de villain snir. Soujiro Ernie: Oh. Shishio Chef: Smir strong dee live dur weak chop chop chop! [Ernie pauses in fright, biting finger nails at the chop chop chop.]Soujiro Ernie: Bert! [skit credit: J. C.]
BACKSTAGE:
[Rizzo the Rat stalks on clutching Fuji's jawpiece. He storms up to Kermit and shakes it under his nose.]Rizzo: Whose bright idea was THIS? I mean, look at it! How am I supposed to fit that beak into THIS? Big Bird: 'That beak?' (Hurt:) You could say it a little more nicely, you know... Kermit: Ano... Rizzo-dono... don't look at me; I've got issues with the costuming department myself... [Piggy enters from stage left with Myoujin Fozzie, Okina Waldorf and Makimachi Skeeter in tow. She assesses the situation and her eyes narrow.]Piggy: Kermie-chan, are these nasty people annoying you? Skeeter (bounce bounce): Yeah! Lemme at 'em! I haven't even gotten to see any action yet! And where is Aoshi-sama anyway? Kermit: Piggy-dono, NO. Skeeter-dono, I'm working on it. Negotiations with the union and all-- we had to do enough paperwork to bring Big Bird across; they're dragging their heels on this one too-- Skeeter: It's the same company! Kermit (gloomily): Tell that to the copyright lawyers. --De gozaru. Skeeter: Bless you. Kermit: No. Skeeter-dono. I don't have a cold. I have to say 'de gozaru' all the-- Skeeter: Bless you. Kermit: Yare yare-- Rizzo (to Piggy): Are you in charge of this fiasco? Look at this! Look at the shoddy materials I have to work with here-- Piggy: Shut up. You're giving poor Kermie-chan a headache. Kermit: No, that would be the copyright lawyers de-- Piggy (exactly the same tone): Shut up. Rizzo: So what am I going to DO with this thing? We're supposed to be on next! Waldorf: Why bother? The whole show is doomed. Our lead can't even see the nose on his face-- Kermit: I don't have a nose. De gozaru. Skeeter: Bless you. Waldorf: --and the rest of this is a disaster to start with. Piggy: Be QUIET! ALL of you! (Looking around for any contradictions:) Right. Now. If you'll all just let Kermie-chan think for a minute, I'm sure he'll fix everything. Fozzie (loyally): I believe in you, Kermit. Kermit (miserable): Thank you, Fozzie. Fozzie (perky): So, what's the plan? Rizzo: Plan? The only plan is you get me equipment that works! Piggy: That's it. I've had enough of you -- Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu Kermit-Protecting Style, Never Piss Off The Diva If You Know What's Good For You, Attack of Inflicting Massive Pain On Small Annoying Rodent! (She launches Rizzo through the ceiling. Panting for breath after getting the attack name out in one lungful:) That felt good. Kermit (incoherent wail): Piggy-dono! Waldorf: Hey! He's on in five-- Piggy: Didn't you hear me the last time? [...crunch.]Skeeter: Hey! Piggy: You got an issue, weasel girl? Skeeter: Yeah! That was supposed to be Aoshi-sama's scene! And why aren't you letting me attack anybody? Kansatsu Tobikunai-- Big Bird: AIEEEE--- [There's now a Big Bird-shaped patch over the Waldorf-shaped hole in the flats. The armor's been nailed there by every throwing knife Skeeter owns and a few she didn't.]Kermit (trembling, pathetic-voiced): That's it. I quit. [Piggy and Skeeter and Fozzie all turn to stare at him.]Piggy: What? Kermit: I can't deal with this anymore. I just can't. Piggy's launching actors through the sets, nobody's costume fits, I'm supposed to have this choreographic nightmare of a fight scene coming up in twenty and I don't know how to use a sword and I can't even see through my wig and... I quit. Fozzie: You can't quit. You're the lead. Kermit: Watch me. Piggy: Kermie-- Kermit: Sessha wa rurouni de gozaru. I'm going back to wandering now. [He walks out, stage right.]Piggy (to Skeeter): Was it something I said? --wait a sec. Moi? Couldn't be. [Skeeter shrugs a little.]
AWWWWWWWW.....
[Lights up in the middle of a swamp. Kermit is sitting on a log, hakama and sandals dragging in the water, still with his eyes hidden by the wig.]Kermit: Thanks, but don't bother. Waldorf-dono was right. It's doomed. --I hate theatre. This is why I hate theatre. I mean, I've messed it all up. Some kind of stage manager I'm supposed to be -- we never ran a dress rehearsal because we've been shooting filler episodes until the rest of the story comes out, or else I would have known Big Bird would never fit in Fuji's armor, and, for heaven's sake, I'm supposed to be this legendary samurai but I haven't even drawn the sword. Piggy's been knocking everyone through the walls before I get a chance to do anything... not that I'd know what to do with it if we actually stayed with the shooting script that long... [Kermit stops, and sighs, and stares down at the swamp.]Kermit: You know, you're hanging around in a swamp too. Why don't I give you the wig and the costume and the sword and you can go try it? If nothing else, there's the snack bar in the green room... Quiet voice belonging to the hand: Iie. --That means no. You'll need them more than I will. Kermit (rueful smile): I'm just a frog. We don't need clothes. [The feet belonging to the hand walk along the log; then the person kneels... wearing a white hakama. Two more feet go into the water and kick a little, to make ripples in the surface of the swamp.]Kenshin (returning the smile): Arigatou de gozaru, but I've got my own. Kermit (blink): ...Oh. [They sit watching a turtle swim by for a moment.]Kermit: So why are you hanging out in a swamp? Kenshin: Have you read the rest of the script? --Wouldn't you? Kermit: ...Good point. [A fish sticks its head out of the water, considers them for a minute, and goes back under.]Kenshin: They need you, you know. Kermit (rueful): I know. (Looking at Kenshin and opening his mouth--) Kenshin (just as rueful): I know. Kermit: ...Oh. Well, good. [After a moment's contemplation of the cat-tails swaying in the breeze...]Kermit: I don't suppose you know a good way to patch a critic-shaped hole in your next act's scenery in twenty minutes flat? Kenshin (apologetic shrug): Gomen nasai de gozaru. I'm more in the habit of making the critic-shaped holes, myself. Kermit (sigh): I kind of figured that. Thanks anyway. Kenshin (brightening): There is something else I can do for you, though. I... found someone. [He turns and beckons; two dark-clothed legs partially masked by a trenchcoat walk along the log, followed by two smaller blue legs under another trenchcoat.]Kermit (staring): Masaka... Shinomori Grover (sitting down on the other side of Kenshin): Near and far... near and far... Kenshin (to Kermit): There is a place between all places: life and death, day and night... one of my friends knows it rather too well. So I knew where to find him. I think you know someone who'll be happy to see him. [Kenshin stands up on the log and offers both hands to Kermit and Grover, who stand up beside him.]Kenshin (looking down at them, quietly surprised): You're shorter than I am. Kermit: I'm a frog. And I'm already having enough trouble with the wig and the sword; please don't ask me to wear stilts-- Kenshin (hastily): No, no, nothing personal, it's just... I'm not used to being taller than anybody. (He thinks about it for a minute. With an uncomfortably guilty delight in his eyes:) Exactly how many of us did you...? Kermit (smiling back): Come and see.
REUNIONS
[Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Skeeter, and the now-seriously-bandaged Waldorf are sitting on the front porch, looking variously morose or anxious or (in Waldorf's case) pained. Zoot is standing to one side, wearing his shades and the saxophone and a white cape with an outrageous red collar, exuding general waves of coolness.]
[She runs for the edge of the stage and jumps down, followed less than a heartbeat later by Fozzie, Gonzo, Skeeter, and the flock of chickens.]Waldorf (to Zoot): Yare yare. [Zoot lifts one eyebrow.]Waldorf (sheepish grin): Been practicing. [In the middle of the aisle, everyone is hugging Kermit. Kenshin is smiling down at them, putting the pieces together; he's a little confused by Gonzo, and definitely confused by the flock of headband-wearing chickens, but he pats Gonzo's shoulder anyway. Gonzo grins back.]Kenshin: Shishou! [Zoot condescends to grin.]Grover: Four is a good number. [Skeeter nods a little.]Grover: Hannya.... Beshimi... Hyottoko... Shikijou... [In a pool of mood lighting, four Muppets walk on to stand at the other side of the stage.]Statler (to Waldorf from around the edge of the building set): These guys aren't characters, they're plot devices. 'You fight us all once, then you watch us all die so a couple of people can have angst over us for the rest of the series.' Waldorf (to Statler): Shut up. Statler (under his breath): Jeez, they give you a speaking role and it goes to your head. [Waldorf casually punts him through the scrim.]Waldorf: Oniwa Banshuu Secret Critic Defense. (To Skeeter:) Go on with your lines, doll. Skeeter: Hannya... [Animal, with the mask still perched on the top of his head, waves at them.]Grover: Beshimi... [Lou Zealand grins and shoots out a floodlight with one of his Throwing Fish.]Skeeter: Hyottoko... [Crazy Harry (enthusiastically): Did somebody say dynamite? (He leans on the plunger--)]Grover: Shikijou... [Sweetums blinks at them.]Kenshin (staring): And I thought ours were weird-looking...! Piggy (to Kenshin from under half-lidded eyes): Like you've got room to talk. Kenshin: ...oro? Piggy: Where on earth did a Japanese get that hair? [Kenshin laughs sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.]Kermit (walking over to Skeeter and Grover): When the show's over, let's go out somewhere. We can have some sake together. Grover: I can't. Kermit: Why not? Grover: Sake starts with an S. Kermit (nonplussed): Yes...? So? Grover: S was yesterday's letter. Today I can drink T. [Kermit facefaults.]Kenshin (eyes tightly shut, clinging to the porch post as though it's his last grip on sanity): I didn't hear that de gozaru. Tell me I didn't hear that. Someone, anyone, please...
CLOSING CREDITS
"Just One Person" [Kermit walks over and sits next to Kenshin and starts to sing.] If just one person believes in you,[Piggy walks over to join them. She smiles at them both.] ...two whole people, who believe in you[Fozzie sits down on the porch next to Kermit and starts singing too.] There's bound to be some other person who[Gonzo brings his horde of chickens; one of them hops into Kenshin's lap.] And if three whole people,[From stage right, Janice and Bunsen and Beeker walk in holding hands; the artist Muppet wanders in to give Gonzo a high five. Rowlf, wearing the frilly apron, is holding out a tray enticingly and beckoning to someone offstage.] And if four whole people,[The Oniwa Banshuu four drift out of their mood lighting to stand with Grover and Skeeter and Waldorf.] [Finally, in one terrified rush, the Snuffleupagus darts onstage and takes the tray in its snout and holds it up in front of its face, quivering all over. Rowlf pats its shoulder reassuringly.] And when all those people,[From stage left, the Shishio Chef walks in to stand in his own pool of mood lighting. Spamela Hamderson, wearing an off-the-shoulder kimono, walks up to him and snuggles her head against his shoulder.] [Kenshin topples over backwards in shock; the chicken squawks an indignant protest.] Deep enough, and strong enough,[There are more Muppets gathering around the Chef and Spamela: Soujiro Ernie, Big Bird and Rizzo of the Destruction Army, Floyd (with a strip of fabric over the empty eye sockets), Sam the Eagle (with a white bandanna covering the top of his head), a Fraggle pterodactyl (wearing ammunition belts)... a broom with Muppet eyes (and lots of swords; Gonzo nearly falls over laughing)...] Hard enough, and long enough[Kermit and Piggy coax Kenshin into sitting up again; Fozzie brushes chicken feathers out of his hair.] It stands to reason that you yourself will[Oscar walks in to stand at the edge of the stage; he drags at the cigarette, then gives an ironic salute to Kermit and Kenshin.] And maybe even you,
CLOSING CURTAIN
Thanks to John Criswell for the original Shishio Chef and Rurouni Kermit skits; thanks to Sekihara Tae for Spamela Hamderson, and Kathleen Fuller for the Oniwa Banshuu Muppet casting (and Statler's sardonic assessment of the foursome!) All lyrics found at links from the Muppet Lyrics collection at http://obscure.org/~vlad/lyrics/muppets.html
-- many from http://www.cs.unc.edu/~arthur/muppet-songs.html... arigatou gozaimasu,
minna!
--Risu-chan
Thanks to Risu-chan and J.C. for allowing me to post Rurouni Kermit at the Akabeko. Unlike the usual Takeouts, this one sprang from someone else's creativity. Please do not use Rurouni Kermit without their permission. Domo! -Tae
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