If Samurai X (Sony's dub of Rurouni Kenshin) came to the United States, what kind of moral
segments -- lessons learned -- would they add to the end of the episodes?
J.C. and
Risu-chan have a few ideas...
Safety Tips from Saitou: (by J.C.)
Hello, Children. This is Officer Saitou, here for today's saftey tip. In
today's episode, that bad buy from episode one hired Sano to fight the
Battousai, and eventually tried to take Kaoru and Yahiko hostage.
If the Battousai had killed that bast, er, ahem, bad guy in the first episode
like he was supposed to, he wouldn't have come back to create more trouble for
Kaoru, Yahiko, and the Battousai. Plus, that idiot Sano wouldn't be in the
series.
So, remember kids, if some bad person is treating you badly, kill him right
away so he won't do bad stuff again.
These are Safety Tips from Saitou, and remember kids: Evil, therefore Kill.
Dating Tips from Shishio: (by J.C.)
Soujiro: And now, Shishio-sama will give us a lesson in dating.
Shishio: Hello, kids. As many of you go through school, your peers will talk
about how they make themselves look pretty in order to attract members of the
opposite sex. Some of them may even tease you about how you look or how you
dress.
The first thing to remember is that those dolts are weaker than you. If
someone makes fun of you, give them two black eyes and then ask them how
attractive they look.
Aside from that, your looks aren't important. It's the inside that counts.
Take me, for example. I look terrible on the outside. But on the inside, I am
a strong, ruthless, heartless villian. Good women appreciate how I am on the
inside (Yumi comes on screen and embraces Shishio).
So remember, don't worry about your looks or what other weaker people think of
you. Beat those dolts up to show that special someone your true inner
strength and feelings.
This is Master Shishio, and remember: If you're strong you live; if you're weak,
you die.
Study Tips from Hiko (by Risu-chan)
Hiko: Hello, kids. In today's episode, you saw what happens to idiot
pupils who don't keep up with their homework...
(chibi-Kenshin with pathetic purple eyes in the background: Shishou...!)
Hiko (casually kicking Kenshin out of the screen): ...and what happens
when they interrupt their teachers. Now, if my baka deshi had been
*practicing* for the last ten years instead of wandering around not
killing people and making goo-goo eyes at teenage kenjutsu instructors...
(Kenshin: SHISHOU--!)
(Hiko picks up Kenshin by the ponytail, swings him around his head a
couple times, and lets go; Kenshin goes flying in a long parabolic arc
that's going to have a rather painful terminus somewhere offscreen...)
Hiko: ...then he wouldn't have had nearly so much trouble passing his
basic review course and managing to actually hit me once. Of course, if
he'd just had the brains to reverse the sakabatou before he took that
first swing at Saitou, none of the rest of this would be necessary because
Saitou's head would be rolling around in a corner somewhere...
Kenshin (looking extremely battered): Shishou, Saitou had nothing to do
with Shishio's kunitori--ORO?
(crunch)
(Kenshin's now imbedded upside down in the cliff face beside the
waterfall, vaguely Ranma-style)
Hiko (dusting off his hands): Like I said, kids, you need to be quicker on
the uptake than baka deshi there; that way your teachers won't have to
hospitalize you to get you to graduate. Ja ne.
Kenshin (falling out of the Kenshin-shaped hole in the cliff face, sitting
up groggily): ...yare yare... (limping off after Hiko:) chotto, shishou,
you said you'd teach me--
Hiko: Not yet, baka deshi! That's next week. And you've got about 20
minutes of on-screen traumatized soul-searching to do before we get to
that scene...
Kenshin: Ororoooo...
J.C. and Risu-chan
May 16, 1999
Thanks to Risu-chan and
J.C. for allowing me to post these shorts
at the Akabeko. Unlike the usual Takeouts, these sprang from someone else's creativity.
Please do not use without their permission.
Domo!
-Tae
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